I read all the books and even asked my husband to read a few. I went on every blog and mommy website and asked a million questions to all my friends with kids. Yet, nothing really told my husband the honest truth about my pregnancy. From how I would act, what I would do and what he should be advised against doing during my pregnancy. Here I am, three pregnancies later, and there is still no book that sums up these things for men. Well ladies, here it is, a list of ten things all men should know about your pregnancy. It will be so short that I promise they will want to read it.
1. I WILL CRY
I will cry for no reason I will cry over the YouTube video of the baby animal. I will cry when we tour labor and delivery knowing our baby will take his or her first breath here. I will cry for no reason and for every single reason. I will cry feeling our baby kick and move every single time. I will cry at every single ultrasound and doctor’s appointment. I will cry when I am happy, sad, overjoyed, scared, angry and hungry. Please do not try and understand why I am crying. I will not be able to explain it to you, and this will only make me cry more.
2. YOU NEED TO FEEL EVERY MOVEMENT AND KICK
For your own safety, you need to stop whatever you are doing when I say, “Hurry, hurry, come feel him move and kick!” I don’t care that you have felt it before or that you just felt it five minutes ago. Each time is special, and it not to be missed. Therefore, before you say any of the things listed above, please refer back to point #1; I will begin crying if you say “no” to feeling a movement or kick.
3. CRAVINGS ARE NO JOKE
When I ask you at 2:00 AM to go get me the greasiest burger around, please do not respond to me with the following questions: “Do you really need that?” or “Do you know what time it is?” This will do you no good. I am not in control of my cravings; they will not go away until they are satisfied. Unless you want to hear me whine for hours and keep you up the rest of the night about how I need that burger, please just go get the burger. No matter what happens, do not come back empty-handed. I don’t care if you have to beg and plead with them to open the store or restaurant; do whatever you have to do to get that burger.
4. BLOCK WEBMD ON OUR COMPUTER
Let me save you mass hysteria, unnecessary trips to the OBGYN and hours of explaining why I have every single symptom on the list for a breech baby at only 12 weeks. Just block it now, or I promise you will be receiving tons of texts and phone calls while you are at work because I will be spending every spare minute I have finding everything that can go wrong during pregnancy on WebMD.
5. DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH YOUR MOM
Chances are she is going to share stories that I do not need to hear just yet. I don’t need to know that you weighed 12 pounds when you were born or that you came out so fast they accidently dropped you into a bucket that was sitting on the floor at the hospital. (Yes, this actually did happen to my husband.) She means well, but traumatizing stories like this while I am pregnant are not good. Please refer back to point #1 to remind yourself why.
6. I FEEL HUGE
I love you for telling me that I am beautiful at nine months pregnant and that I, in fact, do not waddle when I walk. However, saying this to me in my emotional and hormonal state is only going to make me think you, in fact, think that I am huge and that you are only saying it because you don’t want me to know that you feel this way. Yes, you read that right, basically, there is no winning with this one in the later stages of pregnancy.
7. DON’T WAKE ME FROM A NAP
Being pregnant makes you very tired. Do not wake me up from a nap, even if I have taken my maternity leave early and appear to be doing nothing all day. I am still exhausted, and the lack of sleep will only make me more emotional.
8. I’M GOING TO ASK YOU TO DO THINGS YOU MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED YOU SIGNED UP FOR
In the final months of pregnancy, there will be things that I am unable to do. Shaving my legs and other areas that will be out of my reach is one of those things. Please do not ask if I must have shaved legs or another area trimmed simply for labor. This is very important, and we cannot to go into the hospital in the middle of the night with hairy legs or an area that is unruly. It’s simply not an option.
9. DO NOT BRING UP MY “FALSE ALARMS”
With every pregnancy, especially my first, I was known to go to L&D with anything from Braxton Hicks to dehydration, gas and even leg cramps. Please be aware that WebMD (see point #4) was the cause of most of my early L&D trips. Yes, I am fully aware I have been to L&D several times for no real reason. I am aware the nurses know me by name and that I have caused great panic to friends and family who thought it was the “real thing.” If you continually bring up my “false alarms,” I will panic, and I won’t be able to control it.
10. KEEP AN EXTRA OUTFIT IN THE CAR
I don’t mean for you, I mean for me. Here is the thing about pregnancy; I am going to pee myself. Sometimes my bladder will get so full that one swift kick from our future soccer player or ballerina will cause my bladder to empty. I will even pee myself when I laugh really hard. Don’t laugh at me because I will then laugh harder. Just simply pull out the extra outfit for me to change into.
Listed above are things that might seem pretty scary to significant others. However, I assure you that when baby is in your arms, you will forget about all the false alarms and late night runs to Taco Bell. All the times you thought your pregnant wife/girlfriend might have lost her mind will be a distant memory and will become funny stories to share with friends and family.